Friday, September 10, 2004

Waiting on a sunny day

I will state up-front that this is going to be a long, rambling, self-absorbed rambling personal essay. I'm not offering an apology for anything I'm about to write, but...felt you might like fair warning before continuing to read. It's Friday and my desire to get serious amounts of work done today is...well...almost non-existent. Go figure. So...away we go...

It is an absolutely gorgeous morning here in Washington. Not a cloud in the sky walking to/from Metro with a bright blue sky, a light breeze, and the hint of fall around the corner. As soon as the remenants of Frances cleared out yesterday afternoon, the humidity dropped and it turned into a beautiful evening. And in so many different ways, it seemed like some other things changed for me last night as well.

Last night, after a particularly unfruitful coffee with another woman in which I completely failed to figure out the stop/go signals (again), I decided rather on the spur of the moment to get off Metro at Ballston and walk home from there (about an hour's walk, give or take). I had a number of things to think about and since the football game wasn't starting until 9pm, I had time. I've been totally wrapped up inside my head for weeks now, trying to figure out the meaning of everything, figure out the motives and signals from this girl or that, figure out my life, where I'm headed, all that stuff. The fact is, its been giving me stress, anxiety, and making me miserable. And I'm sick of it.

So, there I was, walking down Wilson Blvd. in the dark, and my iPod brought up (on random) John Mayer's song "New Deep" from his "Heavier Things" album. I've probably heard this song at least two or three dozen times but I'll confess that I never really paid close attention to the lyrics. And for some reason...the combination of time, place, and circumstances clicked for me.

Now, I've been susceptible to motivation from pop songs before - I'm not too ashamed to admit it. Heck - I've heard myself in a number of John Mayer's songs in particular (particularly "Love Song for No One," which might as well be an anthem for me). But the song clicked...for whatever reasons.

I'm so alive
I'm so enlightened
I can barely survive
A night in my mind
I've got a plan
I'm gonna find out just how boring I am
And have a good time

Cause ever since I tried
Trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
With my new golden rule
And I thought..."Why not me?" Why can't I do the same thing? Would it really be that hard for me to simply let go of trying to find meaning in everything? I don't see why it should. Why not live life "as if," as CN would put it to me (and has). Why sweat over "whether she really likes me, etc." when I can just assume she does (speaking generally)? I don't see why I can't just ignore and let go of all the cr*p that's been getting in the way of me being happy. Instead of waiting on a sunny day, why not pretend there's one matter what?

I must have listened to the song on repeat for the next hour - letting it burn into my head. I don't really know how to go about the change...but f*ck it...I'm going to be happy, damnit. I'm done. I'm finished trying to "figure myself out." I'm finished trying to read other people's minds and play games and all that. I'm going to be happy now, not later.

And like the song says:

I'm a new man
I wear a new cologne and
You wouldn't know me if your eyes were closed
I know what you'll say
'This won't last longer than the rest of the day'
But you're wrong this time
You're wrong
This time is going to be different. This is Year One. The Year of Me. Maybe that sounds silly, or self-centered, or whatever, but...I've been my own whipping boy for too long. Its time I was happy, damnit. Trevins of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains...


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