Friday, December 03, 2004

Tis the season

I've been having a difficult time getting into any kind of a "jolly" spirit for the holidays this year. Normally this isn't a problem (meaning, I'm usually very much into the spirit of the season and whatnot) - even when I've felt down, this part of the year always seems to perk me up a little. But this year, it's been hard. For one reason or another, I haven't felt very 'up' at all.

There are plenty of reasons for this, I think. In part, it's only natural to feel a bit down during the holidays when your life doesn't seem to correspond to the vision you get from books, music, movies, television, etc. This is the season of suicides, after all. I've often gotten 'down' around Valentine's Day, for example...I've seldom been in a relationship around that day and more often than not, it's followed by my birthday which is always a big downer (I rarely seem to enjoy my birthday...I keep trying, though...)....but seldom around Thanksgiving/Christmas - usually this is a time of the year I really enjoy.

I know part of this is work - it's been too long since my last vacation. Way too long. This is nothing new...I often don't take vacations when I should. It'll have been over a year since my last significant vacation time by the time I head out on the 21st. No shock that I'm tired. I also know that part of my "down" feeling right now is a matter of frustration on my "relationship front." Despite plenty of effort, I'm no further than I was last year - single again around Christmas, with my next birthday approaching. My spectacular failures in the dating universe this summer and fall are all too well documented, so I won't rehash them here.

More interesting has been my growing realization that some of my friends (who will remain nameless - they're a minority...a very small minority...and I doubt they read this page) don't seem to be very interested in me or my life. The more I think about it, the more I've realized that these particular folks aren't nearly as interested in me and my life as I am in them and theirs. I can think of several cases where I think I know a lot more about my friend and what's going on with him/her than they do about me, and maybe that's starting to bother me. These are people that never seem to want to do anything with me (or only on their terms), who never have time, who never return phone calls or e-mails, etc. *shrug* Reminds me of the last real "relationship" I was in - towards the end, it was abundently clear that I was far more interested in her than she was in me.

I've tried most of the usual remedies...things to get me in more of a holiday spirit...but it just isn't coming. Oh, I'll get there eventually. And I know everything will work out in the end. I just feel rather alone right now and it isn't very fun.


At 11:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can attest that being in a relationship does not make Valentine's Day a better experience. The only time in life you are guaranteed a decent Valetine's Day is when you're to young to notice that your teacher's insisting you bring a card for everyone in your class is highly contrived.

At 12:15 PM, Blogger Banjax said...

I agree. Indeed - I've more or less determined that that particular holiday is designed to make people more miserable (apart from it's obvious importance to the jewelry and greeting card industries). Then again, I didn't enjoy the holiday when I was young, either. Our teachers didn't make us give cards out to everyone, and while I did...a lot of other people didn't. As a result, they were largely miserable days for me (have I mentioned how I had a rotten time in grade school?). Now, I find the holiday difficult because (like Christmas) I'm confronted with all the sacharine sweetness and I "feel bad" for feeling bad. Ah...the spiral of shame!


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